What is kink?

A kink is "a sharp twist or curve in something that is otherwise straight."

Nah I'm just messing with you.

A kink is "a person's unusual sexual preference."

My practice doesn't abide by this definition. 

"Unusual" is entirely arbitrary - a foot fetish is considered a kink but is so common it has become the archetype of slightly strange sexual desire. 

"Sexual" is also a tricky part of this definition. Many of the kinksters I've talked to do not incorporate sex into their kink and do not experience sexual gratification as part of their kink. For many people, kink is an emotional, physical, or sensory experience that gives them emotional, physical, or sensory satisfaction. 

Some people watch horror movies because they enjoy being scared, or eat spicy food because they enjoy the flavor and burn. The only difference between this sensory seeking behavior and kinks are their societal acceptability. 

Why is kink?

If I knew the answer to that, I'd be a rich lady. Just as there are over 7 billion humans, there are over 7 billion ways that the brain can take any element of the human experience and turn it into a vessel for sensory or sexual pleasure. Scientists are still debating whether nature or nurture is to thank for all this creative wiring.

In this question, however, I am convinced that the "why" is actually less important than the "what." The answer to why we like something can be broken down into its component parts, but eventually we arrive at the level of "It makes good parts of my brain light up" and we have to be content with that. Pathologizing yourself for your kinks can be an exhausting and unrewarding way to live. I should know, I've been there.

What is BDSM?

Now that's a much more interesting question! Technically it's an acronym that should be broken down as BD-DS-SM but that's just too unwieldy. Let's take a look at each part. Please note that while some people use this and "kink" interchangeably, there are subtle differences, and although there is overlap, "kink" is the broader of the two terms and the one I will use most often.

BD - Bondage and Discipline

Rope and spanking, this is what people think about most often when the term comes to mind. In actuality, bondage just means restraint, and that can come in a variety of fun and creative forms. Discipline, similarly, involves one person consensually giving another person the power to punish (or "funish") them. The options are limited only by your imagination (and, of course, your negotiated dynamic). 

DS - Dominance and Submission

Dominance is about taking control of others, and submission is about yielding control to others. When this is done in a consensual negotiated dynamic, it can take on a myriad of forms. It can be limited to specific scenes, or can be incorporated into elements of daily life. In dramatic instances, a partnership might choose to engage in 24/7 Total Power Exchange (TPE). This dynamic is fully customizable based on the desires of those involved.

SM - Sadism and Masochism 

Sadism is about finding pleasure in hurting others, and masochism is finding pleasure in pain. When these two come together, sparks fly. The pain doesn't necessarily need to be physical, either. A masochist may consent to and find pleasure in being emotionally hurt or degraded within a scene. Many sadists enjoy consensual tortures such as tickling that evoke a big reaction but no actual pain. Again, this dynamic is dictated only by the desires of those involved.

Important note

You'll notice my liberal mentions of consent sprinkled throughout this section. Consent is the cornerstone of BDSM and kink - if consent is missing, it's not kink. It's abuse.

What is the kink community?

Pretty much every city in the US is going to have a kink community somewhere within it, and that's just a group of networked individuals who all enjoy some sort of kinky, non-mainstream activity. 

There are casual get-togethers called munches (short for burger munch) where no kink takes place and people hang out and talk about anything and everything. There might be classes led by educators and members of the community that talk about specific activities. There might even be clubs or private homes that host play parties. 

The only way to know what's available in your area is to get involved. How to get involved? Hit up my Contact tab.

How does kink fit into coaching?

Some people enjoy a little slap and tickle in the bedroom, some people want a 24/7 Total Power Exchange relationship. Negotiating and navigating these relationship changes, especially with a partner who is new to the idea, can be really scary! 

I work with individuals who are looking to get their more niche needs fulfilled or couples/triads/polycules who want to incorporate these dynamics into the bedroom or their daily lives.

Please note that no kink takes place during the coaching session - I am not a sex worker, although this is a sex-work positive space.